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  • “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. “ ~ Steven Wright
  • “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” ~ Mark Twain
  • “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
  • “That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.” ~ Gloria Vanderbilt
  • “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” ~ Dennis Wholey
  • “Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.” ~ Anonymous
  • “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” ~ Peter Ustinov
  • “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” ~ Sam Levenson
  • “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” ~ Henny Youngman
  • “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ~ Cathy Guisewite
  • “Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
  • “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” ~ Al McGuire
  • “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin
  • “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” ~ Will Rogers
  • “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” ~ Anthony Burgess
  • “From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.” ~ Dr. Seuss
  • “Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” ~ James A. Garfield
  • “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” ~ Will Rogers
  • “Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.” ~ Charles Kettering
  • “The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” ~ David Ogilvy
  • “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
  • “As you get older three thing happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ~ Norman Wisdom
  • “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight” ~ Phyllis Diller
  • “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton
  • “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” ~ Alan Dundles
  • “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ~ Steve Martin
  • “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~ Will Rogers
  • “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton
  • “Puns are the highest form of literature.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock
  • “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ~ Paul Terry

This post was last modified on October 10, 2019 6:54 pm