“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. “ ~ Steven Wright
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” ~ Mark Twain
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
“That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.” ~ Gloria Vanderbilt
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” ~ Dennis Wholey
“Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.” ~ Anonymous
“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” ~ Peter Ustinov
“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” ~ Sam Levenson
“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” ~ Henny Youngman
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ~ Cathy Guisewite
“Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” ~ Al McGuire
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ~ George Carlin
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” ~ Will Rogers
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.” ~ Anthony Burgess
“From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.” ~ Dr. Seuss
“Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.” ~ James A. Garfield
“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” ~ Will Rogers
“Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.” ~ Charles Kettering
“The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.” ~ David Ogilvy
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
“As you get older three thing happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ~ Norman Wisdom
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight” ~ Phyllis Diller
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” ~ Alan Dundles
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ~ Steve Martin
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~ Will Rogers
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton
“Puns are the highest form of literature.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ~ Paul Terry
This post was last modified on October 10, 2019 6:54 pm